You know me, you were actually a party of what I am about to write… We were in a car accident and my life has been completely ruined and before I begin I want you to know that I do not blame you for any of this. Sometimes I feel like I already have my grave dug for me, and that I’ve already taken a step into it, everything that makes me happy in my life disappears before its time. My happy summer, gone within a week. My happy relationship, most likely going to be ruined before its time, etc.. The list goes on, I have messed up my life royally with school and with everything else going on and the car accident hasn’t done much to help me out here. I can not think about it without breaking down, I have breakdowns daily, my emotions run crazy. I don’t know why I can’t get over it, I lived, I’m here… I should be fine, why am I not? Why does this car accident have to replace my shadow and follow me around everywhere that I go? I’m losing everything that makes me happy and I don’t know what to do with myself. I can’t find happiness anywhere, I’m working on it, but the happy is hiding from me… Maybe I’m getting what I deserve but I don’t know what I’ve done to have this dose of pain coming after me. - I feel broken.
(ABOUT GRAVE; Not going to hurt myself, don’t worry, never would.)

Thank you for listening. 

ever since my best friend died, i feel like i go through people quickly because i don’t want to get close to anyone because i feel like i’ll never have that sort of relationship again. realistically, it’s probably just me protecting myself from the possibility of getting close and then getting hurt. It takes a long time, or a really special person to get me to call them my best friend. And even then, it takes a while for me to believe it. mostly i’ve just been nostalgic tonight, and i miss my best friend a lot. i hate who i am sometimes because of how sad i get but i don’t know if i can help it any. i guess i just feel lonely a lot. the only person i hung out with on a daily basis moved three hours away, and so now i just go to rehearsal and school and then back home. It just seems like no one wants to hang out with me. in the meanwhile, i guess i’ll just be here with my ukulele.

IT GETS BETTER.

i don’t know what to do anymore. there’s nothing i can do but just wait till i move out for everything to get better. i hate my family, not for spoiled reasons, i appreciate the things i get, i just don’t appreciate how i’m treated everyday. i shouldn’t be afraid to talk to my mom about things but i am, if i even ask her a simple question she’ll go psycho on me, same with my oldest sister. things get physical here a lot, my sister has bad anger issues and my mom doesn’t want to say anything to her or even try to get her help cause she thinks that she’ll harass her, and i’ve had to go to school with the scratches and bruises and i’ve come up with really dumb excuses for them. my mom took depression pills for 10 years cause my dad committed suicide when i was 3, she’s done with them now but everyday is a reminder of him, our family is broken, we’re basically poor right now and struggling to fit 3 people, a baby, a dog and 2 cats into a tiny apartment that we can barely afford, at this point i’m glad i can even get to buy something new every month. i have BDD and more than 3 different anxieties, it makes it impossible for me to enjoy going out in public or even sitting in school, i’ve missed a lot of school since i entered high school cause of that and people always ask me why i don’t just drop out and say i’m going no where in life, they just don’t understand how hard it is. people     get so mean too, especially if you’re even slightly bigger than everyone else, i was never fat or obese, i just was chubby. i’ve made progress of losing weight slowly cause i can’t exactly exercise, i’m at a healthy weight but i still have big thighs and somewhat of a gut and people still call me fat, even people i’ve never spoke to in my life. i’ve been harassed by people who used to be my best friends and they’ve used things that they know upset me get to me, people dwell on some mistakes i’ve made in the past with some people and try to call me a whore. i’ve basically cut off communication with people except my boyfriend and i just sit in my house because i can’t handle being judged, i do online school cause i can’t sit in a classroom full of people cause at least one person will make a comment about me. my boyfriend is supportive and he makes me feel good about myself, but i can’t even love myself. my own mother puts me down about myself every time we get into an argument, says the same things each time, same with everyone else. i feel like i should just believe it all, cause if more than one person says it then it must be true. i feel like a mess.

Bother us with your problems. Tell me your story, and I’m sure someone will help you. Know that you’re never alone. Ever!

How To Be Alone

c: